Let It Go

"I don't choose the hustle life, the hustle life chose me!"

Let's be honest... I did not last the celibacy streak. Eeeek! And my ADD was peaking and now I'm doing an entry after many months of inactivity. Sorry not sorry. It's been a messy Spring to Summer transition. On top of all the major shifts that have been happening during this year of the Tiger (the year of change). But hasn't there just been so much drama? Is it me? Am I the drama? I don't know about you guys but it has been such a whirlwind with more than one too many incidents to count. Things are always out of your control but if you have any micromanaging / OCD qualities, like I do, it most obviously gets way more annoying when things don't go according to plan. But that is just what life gives. Just full of surprises, heartaches, betrayal, depression, regaining consciousness, revival, healing, learning to love again, and repeat all over again. Whenever there's a moment of silence or solace, I think to myself, "wow this is great!" and shortly after life just loves to spill a glass of milk. My ears are popping atm due to being sick (?), sinuses (maybe due to allergies :/) or from the flight (?) etc. Some people love flying. I used to love flying. Hell my goal in life was to have the life I have right now and I'm feeling very dissatisfied and annoyed that I don't even have the time to nest. I'll make a separate entry perhaps of how I feel about moving but in reality I'm going back-n-forth for work either way. Just this time, I don't have a place to go back to that's my own. ;') I've been planning this for some time now. If we include all the prior years of my 20's of wanting to come out to the West is accounted for then it's been over a decade dream. But now that I'm here... well I haven't had time to process really. But in one way I feel like I'm getting a lot of things done. Oh just to put icing on the cake, I got sick. :((( And also my period! (I do not apologize for my reproductive system & the volatile pain I have to endure every month for carrying ovaries.) It's frankly very annoying though, as I pride myself as someone who is sturdy most times and a workaholic. I was actually quite surprised of how long I lasted for not feeling under the weather at all. With all the traveling and interacting I have to do for work and the events being coordinated and attended. Sheesh... it all sounds pretty pretentious but all real life at the same time. I learned that I am fully parentified in regards to my diagnosis by my therapist. At a very young age I took care of my younger sibling and changed diapers for them when they were a new born when I was the age of 6. I was 5' tall & 90 lbs by the age of 6? So I was told. But I always treated as an older adult even at a young age. Also being the eldest daughter of the eldest child there upholds more responsibility and reliance that was put on me for such a long time. Even now I can't help but feel responsible for my family but also my other family. To some degree I would say this is why I was hesitant to even move and stayed in Brooklyn for so long. Saying goodbye to all the past lovers and past entanglements has been bittersweet. I blame the night I spiraled to hit any of them up tbh TT_TT I was feeling as if I needed some reconciliation or closure of not being hated for something that was out of my control. I really should've just let it go.

I envy the ones who can have a situation so terrible happen to them and just simply be able to let it go and move on immediately. I mean I can snap back very quickly but the concept of letting go of the pain and hurt is a hard one. Like I need time or matter of fact "FUCK THEM FOREVER!!!" Although... I have been doing better about it. It's always a process isn't it. At times, when I am doing normal things I sometimes just randomly remember the anger or irritation I had with someone. It's usually someone who I deeply cared for or considered to be of a family in most case scenarios that ended up betraying or hurting me. This seems to be a common theme. Supposedly I'm susceptible to these type of vampires because my blood is just too sweet. **breathe** Whenever anything crazy starts to happen now... I can only laugh. Because I always feel like I have endured enough. You really wonder if the "cards" are really telling you the truth or laughing at your face, cause Bushwick witches actually hexed you and gave you a shadow lurking curse of immortal pain and tragedy. But in reality, you thought you were just getting a regular tarot card reading. LOL who knows! Jinx. You owe me soda. :P I'm currently eating this fruity pebbles covered donut at 1:10 AM PST. Sounds like I will have nightmares or a magical dream tonight. A bientot xxo

p.s. remember to brush and floss your teeth :3

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