Updated: Jan 16
January 2, 2022 // 4:44 AM
Yay! We made it.
I haven't been as up to date in regards to writing like I wanted to, as I have been avoiding opening a laptop. It's a shift I noticed this past year. I mean - yes, I am on my phone and use technology and on my laptop for work. But I haven't been just "on my laptop" to write out my feelings. I guess I do that now with my memes and captions but it's just not the same.
This past year has been so insane. I can barely wrap my head around it! I am ultimately feeling a sense of remorse, relief, proud of everything I was able to accomplish and grateful.
This past year challenged me on really knowing who and what my surroundings were and how it can affect me in the present and future. So many people are constantly going to go in and out of your life. It's just an inevitable thing that happens. Especially in the industry of everything that I am affiliated with? More or less. How did I get here? I guess living in a location like NYC for over 10+ years would do the trick, as well as living many lives that I did. I never chose to be her but here I am.
So funny how I was literally about to be homeless in February and lost friends along the way. White people supporting white people to grow is white supremacy. But sure whatever makes you feel better. I wouldn't say I'm bitter but now I fully understand of how I was being dismissive in certain situations in my past. Even though the way it was handled was totally out of line and different circumstances, but I also learned that my Leo Stellium in my chart was not honed at that time. (For those of you who are not into astrology a Stellium is where you have 3 of the same sign in the chart of your planets, which basically is like 3 of a kind, making it strong and magical I suppose).
Fun fact : I have 2 Stelliums in my chart with Leo and also Capricorn. I've gained perspective and was able to reconnect to old friends where I thought the bond was shattered. I lost friendships who I thought were going to be at every pinnacle part of my life and would see me wrinkled and grey. But ultimately the way things were handled were not okay and left me feeling uncomfortable and gaslit. As a person, who is constantly being susceptible and accessible - I often forgot to put myself first. And I learned that the hard way. It's like as soon as you say "no" for the first time ever - you are the bad, shitty friend, you're the narcissist even though you picked up the drunk phone call at 5:30 AM, you're inconsiderate because you were not available, you are mean because you said "no" for the first time. Lately I've been getting into my Numerology chart and I am a 1 - 1 - 8. I am also a Cardinal sign, so basically I am just a boss bitch and I spear head to a goal and/or vision, even if I don't know what the outcome is by going with my gut. Figuratively and literally. I started to read the book I picked up a couple months ago in LA. It's titled Badass Habits by Jen Sincero. I only read the introduction and I am interested in how it will progress. I never had the attention span to just read through a whole book asides from when I was in elementary school, and that was with the motivation to get the points for the cheap prizes in the library that I wanted to attain. See - there seems to be a pattern.
An opportunist? Me? I never really thought of myself like that. However, I think in 2021 because of how everything happened and how it just swung at my face - I went into this mode of surviving, detachment, isolated, and tactical. I had to make the right moves and spend my times wisely and share my feelings to the right people, or it was going to set me back. To my end goal, which was to move out of the sublease and get into my own home, my own space of solace. Being in NYC is such a pain in the ass!!! But we can't leave because it is where opportunity is available. The city is "alive" even during this crazy of a pandemic. It forces us to live in multiple uncomfortable situations unless you come from a home of privilege and money. Like I can't imagine myself now since I'm a city girl to just comfortably be living in a townhouse with a mortgage that costs less than my 1 BR / 1 BA rent in NYC, for a suburban place in the middle of nowhere or in the South. If I move to the South, just know that someone died or I'm about to die. I literally was friends with people who did not have any credit score or even signed for an apartment on their own, even though they were in their late 20s. My last roommate literally cried to me saying that they were going to be homeless. Cause the first time in all their 29 years of life his mom couldn't guarantor or get him his luxury apartment to move into. This literally made me throw up and really resent the white privilege aspect of the scenarios that was happening with me versus this person. In the self help slides you may have pass through, there's always a part in one of them where they state "your trauma is not any less than the other person cause its yours." Yeah okay true, but me being possibly homeless cause I literally lost all my money for an actual flip and was planning to use the money to move into a sublease I secured over a month prior... does not compare to one crying over the fact that you can't move into a gentrified building, cause mommy couldn't help you out for the first time. They moved into their gentrified, disgusting building and I left feeling relief and just hustled straight for 4 months.
I learned very slowly that I do not do well with roommates. Especially when you are living with someone who's stuff is everywhere and you are nowhere to be found. I hated cleaning the drain, moving dirty clothes or towels out of the bathroom, constantly being the one to set up meetings, had to make uncomfortable small talk to be left alone, always making sure they were not in the hallway when I was trying to sneak my links in and out to avoid any uncomfortable formalities, etc. Clearly my coochie was still a lake even though I was sad, and that was always annoying to deal with. I must say.
Either way, asides from all of the annoyances came a whole lot of growth! Thank god for the turnaround cause I could've just been wallowing, stayed longer and got too comfortable. It took me 32 years to get to where I am, which I guess in mainstream societal standards I should already be retired. I look at my parents who still work 7 days a week, 8-10 hour a day, don't close on holidays and they are in their 60's. They have that as their main hobby. Like I already get bored at my age even when I'm not doing anything for like a week. I can't retire now! Are you kidding me? If I was a housewife, I probably would go full humanitarian and charity route for sure or even just make multiple businesses cause I would be so fucking bored! These are thoughts, of course, that I'm thinking about for no reason at 4:30 AM. If Women's Rights did not happen, I would just be home all day cooking and cleaning. I hate cooking and cleaning. My mom visited my apartment for the first time since a couple months ago when it was a whole mess, and she raided my kitchen. She did throw away my weed-infused coconut oil that I concocted and I was annoyed, but ultimately she did what she came to do at my apartment. Stir chaos and make it neat. To be helpful. Mothers. My mom stated that I need to find "a man" to fulfill my legacy and my lonely life. I have my kitten, Luna, and she she's her as a devil and didn't like her. Just constantly telling her to go away while she was chopping up the fresh ginger, that she made into a honey concoction for tea. Holistic indeed. Relationships and patterns that I need to break are still a whole journey that I have still no grasp on. But I did much better this past year. I don't know why the types that are attracted to me are. Ultimately, I'm manifesting a partner who will help me and support everything I do. It's hard being an elevated being cause the pool just gets smaller and smaller, and the phallics get limper and less appealing to suck on. But anyway, that's my review of 2021. It is now the new year and we all can't believe it. Next up is Valentine's Day. I'm literally going to die. LOLL Cheers! We made it. xxo