In the beginning of 2021, I told myself that I am just going to be a fuck girl all year. Reasons why: #1 I need to focus on my money and career

#2 Avoidance of all emotional distress

#3 Cause it's easier to be a stone, cold-hearted bitch! But honestly... as much as I wanted a hot girl 4 seasons I can't help but to get caught up in these "situationships" and I just went through one. A Crybaby Summer. Earth signs always want to claim the logistics and technicalities of any situation vs. stepping into the other persons shoes and seeing the other person's perspective. It's their narcissism for me. "So you set the settings for this game and you decided it's well done and over - cause you can't explain or have the balls to communicate so that's that?!" I've let go of a good amount of Earth in my life recently due to their narcissism. In romantic relations and friendships. I texted a friend of mine who is ironically an Earth sign, as well lol, and I was sending him voice texts about how much of a douche bag this guy was. He then explained to me clearly that I need to have more intentions. This seems to be a cycle of mine where I go into any situation with no expectations and it gets physical and my water vibes start developing feelings.

(funny fact I wrote this in the Summer of 2021 but we are going to start back up to where we left off! weeeeeeeee!~)

It is now 2022... so I guess I should start off with the list of intentions for my future partner. A friend of mine who is really into holistic healing and therapy stated she wrote a list that was super long matter of fact. That even them needing to be a good driver was one of the list of qualifications needed. So here we go! 1. Must be kind and understanding

2. Must have good hygeine (must brush teeth and shower daily)

3. Supportive of my art and career (cannot see me as competition or comparison)

4 Ambitious with goals

5. Must not be broke (I can't carry the weight for 2 people) 6. COMMUNICATIVE!!! (no more ghosters and leechers) 7. Must like anime (I really tried dating other folx who don't and some things just don't click I must say, so this is mandatory!) 8. Clean and organized (cause I'm not although I try) 9. Good with money (maybe an accountant who can help me as well) 10. Romantic (chivalry always seems to be dead especially these days. I don't even remember the last time I was taken out to the movies even for a date. : / ) 11. Have a good relationship with family, if not does therapy (I cannot be a therapist so that's that) 12. Politically liberal, ACAB, BLM without the savior complex 13. Humble

14. Decide in a timely manner

15. Have the will to grow and grow with me 16. Does not get toxic jealous

17. Will not be possessive or abusive

18. Can cook some things or have good taste in food

19. Willing to hang with my friends

20. Celebrates and gifts during certain holidays (if not I immediately see them as a sadist)

The list probably can go on. But just an example for some of you who need a reference into what I mean. Physicality and other aspects can also be added to the list of attributes you require and desire in a person. But also be reasonable LOL a Chevy can never be paired with a Lamborghini - that's only in Kdramas.

Take accountability for the situationships / relationships you put yourself into. Especially if they are constantly the same result that you don't want. You can't always blame the universe or your chilhood trauma. It's time for you to make the right moves and strides for a healthier situation for yourself.

I wouldn't say I'm perfect! Definitely far from it but in reflection of all the situationships I was in... I have came to terms and I definitely see a pattern. I'd somehow always pick someone who didn't have much going for them with intense trauma, narcissistic but called themselves an empath or logical, had no problem taking but became an issue when it affected their ego, did not see the necessity of courting me, led me on believing I would do everything to entice them but never was courteous of my own feelings. A friend of mine was doing my hair and she said, "I already hate men but whenever you tell me your stories I hate them even more!" I literally screamed and yelled. There's always a certain type. We all may have this idealistic standard of what we want in a partner, but how many of us are actually able to put the words of what we want on paper into actual reality. I find that a lot of us for sure are tainted especially dating during this pandemic. I know a handful of my friends who opened up their relationships to just explore. Which I think definitely works for some people but not everyone. I guess you just won't know until you try and you can either make it or break it. The want for companionship is still there for me.. but what I hate the most of starting any relation or feeling of liking someone is when the reciprocation is lacking. Then I go into a cycle of just being annoyed and upset for wasting time on someone who did not give two fucks about me. But I guess, nothing is ever a waste of time but another building block of steps to learn from. I know my red flags and I need to stop chasing them. The want and need of a challenge of someone who will never appreciate me will not be my status quo of love languages. And this is just words of advise from me to me, but also something you can use too. Another side of things that our capitalist society has dedicated towards us, single folk, is to love yourself. You should love yourself and put your priorities on demand whether you be single or even in a relationship. The one thing that I used to do in the past was constantly gas lighting myself and dumbing myself down to make the partner seem superior and in control. Most of the times it was never the right answer. A person who loves you will take your criticisms and concerns and actually work on the situation or communicate with you. But if they don't and constantly gaslight you, it does not mean you're the problem but they are. They need to work on themselves a little bit more too. I do believe in the power of isolation. I used to be someone who never felt comfortable being alone, and felt the need of needing to have someone around me constantly. I don't know what that phase was really. I think it was the constant need of some sort of attention (lack there of), feeling of somewhat importance, and immediate familiarity of numbing out the noise of not loving myself. The swarm of nonsense and noise was what kept me calm at night, "I love you's" to random strangers I met who exchanged compliments to me, and the slight bit of high you get for feeling needed based on the boasting for someone's entertainment. But I always came back home empty, filled with imposter's syndrome and drained.

Love being alone now - but I do overextend myself too much at times to the point that I feel the slight bit of energy I have leaving my body. I used to entertain these shadows of familiars but I no longer do that. My focus is back on me cause I need to figure my shit out. No one really has their shit together. That's a fact!

With all this ramble and chaos that I'm spewing out, I'm just saying that I still need to work on caring for me. You needing and liking to spend time alone is not being foolish or egocentric. Not everyone is outgoing. I am an ambivert (introverted extrovert) because that is the way I am. I can be friendly and have a good time but my ultimate happiness is being ALONE. I think we need to make that an okay thing. We don't owe anyone anything asides from nurturing ourselves. And that's exactly what I'm going to do for the rest of this year of 2022. NO CAP!!!

My one friend who I ironically met on Tinder like 4 years ago, we still are cordial and do business together here and there, but there was one thing this earth sign said. "You are a light. I may not know you that well but from what I know of you.. you very much are. When there's a bright light outside moths will gravitate towards that light because they naturally gravitate towards it. They love the warmth and how shiny it is. The moths eventually dims the shine or brightness of the lamp, but it's covered with a glass. The moths will never get into the glass and that's how you should be." This had me shook especially cause this was told me after just a couple times of interactions in the beginning of our business relationship. I may share a lot but this writing venture I'm doing is also another way for me to process.

The take away from all of this is that you are a bright light that everyone wants to get into, but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to. Protect yourself so your light doesn't go out. xxo

From me, To me, but also To You.

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Updated: Jan 15

January 2, 2022 // 4:44 AM

Yay! We made it.

I haven't been as up to date in regards to writing like I wanted to, as I have been avoiding opening a laptop. It's a shift I noticed this past year. I mean - yes, I am on my phone and use technology and on my laptop for work. But I haven't been just "on my laptop" to write out my feelings. I guess I do that now with my memes and captions but it's just not the same.

This past year has been so insane. I can barely wrap my head around it! I am ultimately feeling a sense of remorse, relief, proud of everything I was able to accomplish and grateful.

This past year challenged me on really knowing who and what my surroundings were and how it can affect me in the present and future. So many people are constantly going to go in and out of your life. It's just an inevitable thing that happens. Especially in the industry of everything that I am affiliated with? More or less. How did I get here? I guess living in a location like NYC for over 10+ years would do the trick, as well as living many lives that I did. I never chose to be her but here I am.

So funny how I was literally about to be homeless in February and lost friends along the way. White people supporting white people to grow is white supremacy. But sure whatever makes you feel better. I wouldn't say I'm bitter but now I fully understand of how I was being dismissive in certain situations in my past. Even though the way it was handled was totally out of line and different circumstances, but I also learned that my Leo Stellium in my chart was not honed at that time. (For those of you who are not into astrology a Stellium is where you have 3 of the same sign in the chart of your planets, which basically is like 3 of a kind, making it strong and magical I suppose).

Fun fact : I have 2 Stelliums in my chart with Leo and also Capricorn. I've gained perspective and was able to reconnect to old friends where I thought the bond was shattered. I lost friendships who I thought were going to be at every pinnacle part of my life and would see me wrinkled and grey. But ultimately the way things were handled were not okay and left me feeling uncomfortable and gaslit. As a person, who is constantly being susceptible and accessible - I often forgot to put myself first. And I learned that the hard way. It's like as soon as you say "no" for the first time ever - you are the bad, shitty friend, you're the narcissist even though you picked up the drunk phone call at 5:30 AM, you're inconsiderate because you were not available, you are mean because you said "no" for the first time. Lately I've been getting into my Numerology chart and I am a 1 - 1 - 8. I am also a Cardinal sign, so basically I am just a boss bitch and I spear head to a goal and/or vision, even if I don't know what the outcome is by going with my gut. Figuratively and literally. I started to read the book I picked up a couple months ago in LA. It's titled Badass Habits by Jen Sincero. I only read the introduction and I am interested in how it will progress. I never had the attention span to just read through a whole book asides from when I was in elementary school, and that was with the motivation to get the points for the cheap prizes in the library that I wanted to attain. See - there seems to be a pattern.

An opportunist? Me? I never really thought of myself like that. However, I think in 2021 because of how everything happened and how it just swung at my face - I went into this mode of surviving, detachment, isolated, and tactical. I had to make the right moves and spend my times wisely and share my feelings to the right people, or it was going to set me back. To my end goal, which was to move out of the sublease and get into my own home, my own space of solace. Being in NYC is such a pain in the ass!!! But we can't leave because it is where opportunity is available. The city is "alive" even during this crazy of a pandemic. It forces us to live in multiple uncomfortable situations unless you come from a home of privilege and money. Like I can't imagine myself now since I'm a city girl to just comfortably be living in a townhouse with a mortgage that costs less than my 1 BR / 1 BA rent in NYC, for a suburban place in the middle of nowhere or in the South. If I move to the South, just know that someone died or I'm about to die. I literally was friends with people who did not have any credit score or even signed for an apartment on their own, even though they were in their late 20s. My last roommate literally cried to me saying that they were going to be homeless. Cause the first time in all their 29 years of life his mom couldn't guarantor or get him his luxury apartment to move into. This literally made me throw up and really resent the white privilege aspect of the scenarios that was happening with me versus this person. In the self help slides you may have pass through, there's always a part in one of them where they state "your trauma is not any less than the other person cause its yours." Yeah okay true, but me being possibly homeless cause I literally lost all my money for an actual flip and was planning to use the money to move into a sublease I secured over a month prior... does not compare to one crying over the fact that you can't move into a gentrified building, cause mommy couldn't help you out for the first time. They moved into their gentrified, disgusting building and I left feeling relief and just hustled straight for 4 months.

I learned very slowly that I do not do well with roommates. Especially when you are living with someone who's stuff is everywhere and you are nowhere to be found. I hated cleaning the drain, moving dirty clothes or towels out of the bathroom, constantly being the one to set up meetings, had to make uncomfortable small talk to be left alone, always making sure they were not in the hallway when I was trying to sneak my links in and out to avoid any uncomfortable formalities, etc. Clearly my coochie was still a lake even though I was sad, and that was always annoying to deal with. I must say.

Either way, asides from all of the annoyances came a whole lot of growth! Thank god for the turnaround cause I could've just been wallowing, stayed longer and got too comfortable. It took me 32 years to get to where I am, which I guess in mainstream societal standards I should already be retired. I look at my parents who still work 7 days a week, 8-10 hour a day, don't close on holidays and they are in their 60's. They have that as their main hobby. Like I already get bored at my age even when I'm not doing anything for like a week. I can't retire now! Are you kidding me? If I was a housewife, I probably would go full humanitarian and charity route for sure or even just make multiple businesses cause I would be so fucking bored! These are thoughts, of course, that I'm thinking about for no reason at 4:30 AM. If Women's Rights did not happen, I would just be home all day cooking and cleaning. I hate cooking and cleaning. My mom visited my apartment for the first time since a couple months ago when it was a whole mess, and she raided my kitchen. She did throw away my weed-infused coconut oil that I concocted and I was annoyed, but ultimately she did what she came to do at my apartment. Stir chaos and make it neat. To be helpful. Mothers. My mom stated that I need to find "a man" to fulfill my legacy and my lonely life. I have my kitten, Luna, and she she's her as a devil and didn't like her. Just constantly telling her to go away while she was chopping up the fresh ginger, that she made into a honey concoction for tea. Holistic indeed. Relationships and patterns that I need to break are still a whole journey that I have still no grasp on. But I did much better this past year. I don't know why the types that are attracted to me are. Ultimately, I'm manifesting a partner who will help me and support everything I do. It's hard being an elevated being cause the pool just gets smaller and smaller, and the phallics get limper and less appealing to suck on. But anyway, that's my review of 2021. It is now the new year and we all can't believe it. Next up is Valentine's Day. I'm literally going to die. LOLL Cheers! We made it. xxo

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