"I don't choose the hustle life, the hustle life chose me!"

Let's be honest... I did not last the celibacy streak. Eeeek! And my ADD was peaking and now I'm doing an entry after many months of inactivity. Sorry not sorry. It's been a messy Spring to Summer transition. On top of all the major shifts that have been happening during this year of the Tiger (the year of change). But hasn't there just been so much drama? Is it me? Am I the drama? I don't know about you guys but it has been such a whirlwind with more than one too many incidents to count. Things are always out of your control but if you have any micromanaging / OCD qualities, like I do, it most obviously gets way more annoying when things don't go according to plan. But that is just what life gives. Just full of surprises, heartaches, betrayal, depression, regaining consciousness, revival, healing, learning to love again, and repeat all over again. Whenever there's a moment of silence or solace, I think to myself, "wow this is great!" and shortly after life just loves to spill a glass of milk. My ears are popping atm due to being sick (?), sinuses (maybe due to allergies :/) or from the flight (?) etc. Some people love flying. I used to love flying. Hell my goal in life was to have the life I have right now and I'm feeling very dissatisfied and annoyed that I don't even have the time to nest. I'll make a separate entry perhaps of how I feel about moving but in reality I'm going back-n-forth for work either way. Just this time, I don't have a place to go back to that's my own. ;') I've been planning this for some time now. If we include all the prior years of my 20's of wanting to come out to the West is accounted for then it's been over a decade dream. But now that I'm here... well I haven't had time to process really. But in one way I feel like I'm getting a lot of things done. Oh just to put icing on the cake, I got sick. :((( And also my period! (I do not apologize for my reproductive system & the volatile pain I have to endure every month for carrying ovaries.) It's frankly very annoying though, as I pride myself as someone who is sturdy most times and a workaholic. I was actually quite surprised of how long I lasted for not feeling under the weather at all. With all the traveling and interacting I have to do for work and the events being coordinated and attended. Sheesh... it all sounds pretty pretentious but all real life at the same time. I learned that I am fully parentified in regards to my diagnosis by my therapist. At a very young age I took care of my younger sibling and changed diapers for them when they were a new born when I was the age of 6. I was 5' tall & 90 lbs by the age of 6? So I was told. But I always treated as an older adult even at a young age. Also being the eldest daughter of the eldest child there upholds more responsibility and reliance that was put on me for such a long time. Even now I can't help but feel responsible for my family but also my other family. To some degree I would say this is why I was hesitant to even move and stayed in Brooklyn for so long. Saying goodbye to all the past lovers and past entanglements has been bittersweet. I blame the night I spiraled to hit any of them up tbh TT_TT I was feeling as if I needed some reconciliation or closure of not being hated for something that was out of my control. I really should've just let it go.

I envy the ones who can have a situation so terrible happen to them and just simply be able to let it go and move on immediately. I mean I can snap back very quickly but the concept of letting go of the pain and hurt is a hard one. Like I need time or matter of fact "FUCK THEM FOREVER!!!" Although... I have been doing better about it. It's always a process isn't it. At times, when I am doing normal things I sometimes just randomly remember the anger or irritation I had with someone. It's usually someone who I deeply cared for or considered to be of a family in most case scenarios that ended up betraying or hurting me. This seems to be a common theme. Supposedly I'm susceptible to these type of vampires because my blood is just too sweet. **breathe** Whenever anything crazy starts to happen now... I can only laugh. Because I always feel like I have endured enough. You really wonder if the "cards" are really telling you the truth or laughing at your face, cause Bushwick witches actually hexed you and gave you a shadow lurking curse of immortal pain and tragedy. But in reality, you thought you were just getting a regular tarot card reading. LOL who knows! Jinx. You owe me soda. :P I'm currently eating this fruity pebbles covered donut at 1:10 AM PST. Sounds like I will have nightmares or a magical dream tonight. A bientot xxo

p.s. remember to brush and floss your teeth :3

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  1. the state of abstaining from marriage and sexual relations.

As we enter April's new energy for 2022, I have decided to commit myself in a 3 month term of celibacy. For some celibacy is easy, for others not so much and for most - this is a topic that is not brought up enough. I was very much in the mindset of never ever finding myself wanting the need or practice for celibacy, but as of late I have been feeling exhausted or drained just giving energy to folks who just did not reciprocate. Whether it is about romance, friendship or intimacy levels that were never met.

Today also marks my 3rd week back into therapy and it has been okay so far. I feel like I haven't really built that relationship yet with my therapist per say but some valid things I talked out today with them were about my "intentions." Breaking toxic patterns and resulting into finding sexual companionship - even when the person is not right for you just to forget about the prior disappointment. Letting in all these energies that are not right for you and essentially putting down your spirit in the long run. Also all in all, I just need to focus and that's what I decided to do, just refocus my energy in what I think can be more productive.

No one truly wants to be alone. #facts

Speaking as an ambivert, where I realized that I am more introverted, I can for sure say that I do enjoy my loneliness, finding solace in my solitude and even find comfort in my confinement. But I would be lying to myself to say that I truly love being alone, and also as something I would want out of life. Especially when I'm old and grey. I would like a partner... Actually I deserve a partner - who is not only physically there but mentally, spiritually and everything! We all deserve that. The word that I kept bringing up during therapy session was "could" & "should" my therapist kept on clocking me for those. Both terms derive from a negative context. Because yeah - I could've or should've always done something to prevent or could've done something to feel better, etc. I never really thought much into it but what they were stating made sense. When using these terms in my daily vocabulary, I'm already setting myself up for failure in a sense. So the mentality should be "am" and "will" vs. "could" & "should", for example: I am going to the gym. / I could've gone to the gym or I should do ________________./ I will do ________________.

I've been very much stuck in the latter part lately, but I will be practicing this week to be better about my intentions and actions.

We ended the session off with 3 affirmations that I will be repeating to myself on a daily and these are the 3:

  1. I am a go getter

  2. I am a survivor

  3. I am proud of myself

The one thing that I always tend to catch myself in doing is never celebrating my wins. I think it's from growing up in such an intense, abusive and conservative household that even my passion and joys were never really appreciated or adorned as accomplishments. Coming from a loving and supportive family is of great privilege and also something that a lot of folks don't generally have. Not to say my struggles are more than yours but in a sense... it is. The term "struggling olympics," I've come to find out is derived from White Supremacy where the YT folx always have a say of how they struggled and that there should be no comparison. Sure your struggles are valid and so are mine but let's face it. LOL You will never understand real struggle.

I will be kinder to myself this week even though I had to face an annoying hiccup in regards to some business. I am a go getter after all. NO matter what happens I will always find a way to make things happen! That is my power. I am a survivor who has endured a lot of pain and grown from those experiences, and even forgiven some of the people that did harm along the way. Some don't ever deserve my kindness, forgiveness or apology. And I am at peace with that. Cause there's a difference in entitlement vs. acknowledgement.

Say the least, it has been nice not being on social media thus far as well. I have accomplished a good amount of deals and prototypes since I have. I don't know what is to come of it all but it's the drive that counts for me. <3

p.s. I am deserving and everything I will touch will become gold.

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"Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you." - Oprah Winfrey

As of late, I have been wanting to rebrand once again. I feel like I have a fair & healthy relationship via social media and with real life. Toxic as may everything seem in certain moments (lol). Did you know heightened levels of emotion only last a total of 90 seconds. It's only if you prolong and weigh your thinking on a certain emotion that it can and may last much longer, which can be hours, days, months, to years, etc. Ultimately with this evidence it's stating that it is very much a choice of whether or not you stay mad, irritated, sad, alone, etc.

Happiness is bliss or is it ignorance. There are certain levels of compassion and connection that I have gotten the pleasure to experience while being in the model side of the industry. But in most case scenarios in any realm and field there just doesn't seem to be much altruism and people are innately advantageous. In a world where you are worth based on your following, likability and engagement.

(This is also why I don't share my social media account with my "dates" - not that I am going on any at the moment. I have also fully decided to be 3 months celibate, which so far - I am going a whole week and half strong! Proud of me.) Last night around 4 AM, I decided to fully archive my instagram. This is also something that I have been wanting to do (once again) for quite some time. If you guys have been a follower of mine since the beginning or whenever you may have dropped in, you would have notice the various progressions of my timeline. And I'm feeling another one coming on. My worth and my value is so much more than a platform where I dedicate my time and efforts for what exactly? Acceptance, admiration from strangers, to feel connected, importance, support? All of these examples are valid of course. Cause what harm does any human admiration do to anyone?

I think the problem I have with social media at the moment is that I have caught myself spending way too much time on my phone. So many of us not wearing SPF just starring at blue screens (increasing wrinkles on our faces) just all throughout the day, and ruining our posture and lack of self awareness around us. It's a great escape! I also think it was the only way during the pandemic of how we all stayed sane and connected as well. And I enjoyed the coping mechanism it did serve me and the joys I have been able to make of it. I just needed a break. I'm excited to see what is to come in the next couple of months. I find every day to be chaos just because I do not know what is to come the following day. Finding that I also need to find and set aside the time to nurture myself enough, even while in this sort of isolation. However, I did start therapy! Yay more me! This was a hesitated decision for quite some time, as I do believe healthcare and education should be provided for free. Also it has been almost a year since I last had a therapist. Before some of you even decided to do a side eye let's just say, "EVERYONE NEEDS THERAPY." No matter how just or level headed and put together you seem. There's always something to dismantle I find. A Renaissance woman. That is what I classify myself as aka my highly functioning ADD/ADHD adult mind (further diagnosis and tests will be done eventually). I thrive on making projects & work. Even this blog! I don't necessarily see this as work though... I'm just doing a check in, and also to continue practicing again for myself to be better at writing. Oh have I stated that English is technically not my first language? Grammar also isn't my best strong suit. I did not go to school for writing or literature. Although I have been wanting to get back into photography again and I've been saying this for quite some time. At this point, I'm just giving myself excuses cause also I don't have the time. I literally have to choose everyday what I am able or even capable of doing based off of my availability and physical health. *sigh* Adulting. This is where I guess the title comes in. When does passion eventually become work and does work become your passion instead? I have also been wanting to go back into some educational program or obtaining a license of sorts. I had the idea of having a Masters or even enrolling in a Masters program will just cause too much ruckus in my life right now - that I find that to be too much of a dedication. So many people got offended one time when I reposted this person's tweet. It stated something in the context of, "if you're not making money at your passion than it's just a hobby." Which I counteracted and stated in my instastories that there is not a problem in regards to having a hobby. I think hobbies are essential for growth and sanity.

A good handful (mainly yt woman) got angry at my statement, as if it were attacking their own character. It just seemed to me that a lot of us need to do some inner shadow work and be okay with certain terms. This also reminded me that even as an "influencer" I am human and I rightfully so have my platform that I created by myself with no ads and no one's help, and I am allowed to use my voice however I choose to please. I am NOT for everyone. I'm not trying to drive a bus.. that's why a Bugatti has two seats. Bougie as it seems, bougie as it comes.

It is 3:03 AM. And I have a whole event to host and put together at my studio in the next 9 hours so I shall be leaving this post as it is. It's going to be fun! I do seem to love curating these events, but it also does get overwhelming at times... but again - I am excited to see what else I can do. Modeling is just a category of me. I do not think it defines me as a whole. Sleep tight! xx p.s. Do what feels right for you! And go with your gut <3

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