1. the state of abstaining from marriage and sexual relations.

As we enter April's new energy for 2022, I have decided to commit myself in a 3 month term of celibacy. For some celibacy is easy, for others not so much and for most - this is a topic that is not brought up enough. I was very much in the mindset of never ever finding myself wanting the need or practice for celibacy, but as of late I have been feeling exhausted or drained just giving energy to folks who just did not reciprocate. Whether it is about romance, friendship or intimacy levels that were never met.

Today also marks my 3rd week back into therapy and it has been okay so far. I feel like I haven't really built that relationship yet with my therapist per say but some valid things I talked out today with them were about my "intentions." Breaking toxic patterns and resulting into finding sexual companionship - even when the person is not right for you just to forget about the prior disappointment. Letting in all these energies that are not right for you and essentially putting down your spirit in the long run. Also all in all, I just need to focus and that's what I decided to do, just refocus my energy in what I think can be more productive.

No one truly wants to be alone. #facts

Speaking as an ambivert, where I realized that I am more introverted, I can for sure say that I do enjoy my loneliness, finding solace in my solitude and even find comfort in my confinement. But I would be lying to myself to say that I truly love being alone, and also as something I would want out of life. Especially when I'm old and grey. I would like a partner... Actually I deserve a partner - who is not only physically there but mentally, spiritually and everything! We all deserve that. The word that I kept bringing up during therapy session was "could" & "should" my therapist kept on clocking me for those. Both terms derive from a negative context. Because yeah - I could've or should've always done something to prevent or could've done something to feel better, etc. I never really thought much into it but what they were stating made sense. When using these terms in my daily vocabulary, I'm already setting myself up for failure in a sense. So the mentality should be "am" and "will" vs. "could" & "should", for example: I am going to the gym. / I could've gone to the gym or I should do ________________./ I will do ________________.

I've been very much stuck in the latter part lately, but I will be practicing this week to be better about my intentions and actions.

We ended the session off with 3 affirmations that I will be repeating to myself on a daily and these are the 3:

  1. I am a go getter

  2. I am a survivor

  3. I am proud of myself

The one thing that I always tend to catch myself in doing is never celebrating my wins. I think it's from growing up in such an intense, abusive and conservative household that even my passion and joys were never really appreciated or adorned as accomplishments. Coming from a loving and supportive family is of great privilege and also something that a lot of folks don't generally have. Not to say my struggles are more than yours but in a sense... it is. The term "struggling olympics," I've come to find out is derived from White Supremacy where the YT folx always have a say of how they struggled and that there should be no comparison. Sure your struggles are valid and so are mine but let's face it. LOL You will never understand real struggle.

I will be kinder to myself this week even though I had to face an annoying hiccup in regards to some business. I am a go getter after all. NO matter what happens I will always find a way to make things happen! That is my power. I am a survivor who has endured a lot of pain and grown from those experiences, and even forgiven some of the people that did harm along the way. Some don't ever deserve my kindness, forgiveness or apology. And I am at peace with that. Cause there's a difference in entitlement vs. acknowledgement.

Say the least, it has been nice not being on social media thus far as well. I have accomplished a good amount of deals and prototypes since I have. I don't know what is to come of it all but it's the drive that counts for me. <3

p.s. I am deserving and everything I will touch will become gold.

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"Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you." - Oprah Winfrey

As of late, I have been wanting to rebrand once again. I feel like I have a fair & healthy relationship via social media and with real life. Toxic as may everything seem in certain moments (lol). Did you know heightened levels of emotion only last a total of 90 seconds. It's only if you prolong and weigh your thinking on a certain emotion that it can and may last much longer, which can be hours, days, months, to years, etc. Ultimately with this evidence it's stating that it is very much a choice of whether or not you stay mad, irritated, sad, alone, etc.

Happiness is bliss or is it ignorance. There are certain levels of compassion and connection that I have gotten the pleasure to experience while being in the model side of the industry. But in most case scenarios in any realm and field there just doesn't seem to be much altruism and people are innately advantageous. In a world where you are worth based on your following, likability and engagement.

(This is also why I don't share my social media account with my "dates" - not that I am going on any at the moment. I have also fully decided to be 3 months celibate, which so far - I am going a whole week and half strong! Proud of me.) Last night around 4 AM, I decided to fully archive my instagram. This is also something that I have been wanting to do (once again) for quite some time. If you guys have been a follower of mine since the beginning or whenever you may have dropped in, you would have notice the various progressions of my timeline. And I'm feeling another one coming on. My worth and my value is so much more than a platform where I dedicate my time and efforts for what exactly? Acceptance, admiration from strangers, to feel connected, importance, support? All of these examples are valid of course. Cause what harm does any human admiration do to anyone?

I think the problem I have with social media at the moment is that I have caught myself spending way too much time on my phone. So many of us not wearing SPF just starring at blue screens (increasing wrinkles on our faces) just all throughout the day, and ruining our posture and lack of self awareness around us. It's a great escape! I also think it was the only way during the pandemic of how we all stayed sane and connected as well. And I enjoyed the coping mechanism it did serve me and the joys I have been able to make of it. I just needed a break. I'm excited to see what is to come in the next couple of months. I find every day to be chaos just because I do not know what is to come the following day. Finding that I also need to find and set aside the time to nurture myself enough, even while in this sort of isolation. However, I did start therapy! Yay more me! This was a hesitated decision for quite some time, as I do believe healthcare and education should be provided for free. Also it has been almost a year since I last had a therapist. Before some of you even decided to do a side eye let's just say, "EVERYONE NEEDS THERAPY." No matter how just or level headed and put together you seem. There's always something to dismantle I find. A Renaissance woman. That is what I classify myself as aka my highly functioning ADD/ADHD adult mind (further diagnosis and tests will be done eventually). I thrive on making projects & work. Even this blog! I don't necessarily see this as work though... I'm just doing a check in, and also to continue practicing again for myself to be better at writing. Oh have I stated that English is technically not my first language? Grammar also isn't my best strong suit. I did not go to school for writing or literature. Although I have been wanting to get back into photography again and I've been saying this for quite some time. At this point, I'm just giving myself excuses cause also I don't have the time. I literally have to choose everyday what I am able or even capable of doing based off of my availability and physical health. *sigh* Adulting. This is where I guess the title comes in. When does passion eventually become work and does work become your passion instead? I have also been wanting to go back into some educational program or obtaining a license of sorts. I had the idea of having a Masters or even enrolling in a Masters program will just cause too much ruckus in my life right now - that I find that to be too much of a dedication. So many people got offended one time when I reposted this person's tweet. It stated something in the context of, "if you're not making money at your passion than it's just a hobby." Which I counteracted and stated in my instastories that there is not a problem in regards to having a hobby. I think hobbies are essential for growth and sanity.

A good handful (mainly yt woman) got angry at my statement, as if it were attacking their own character. It just seemed to me that a lot of us need to do some inner shadow work and be okay with certain terms. This also reminded me that even as an "influencer" I am human and I rightfully so have my platform that I created by myself with no ads and no one's help, and I am allowed to use my voice however I choose to please. I am NOT for everyone. I'm not trying to drive a bus.. that's why a Bugatti has two seats. Bougie as it seems, bougie as it comes.

It is 3:03 AM. And I have a whole event to host and put together at my studio in the next 9 hours so I shall be leaving this post as it is. It's going to be fun! I do seem to love curating these events, but it also does get overwhelming at times... but again - I am excited to see what else I can do. Modeling is just a category of me. I do not think it defines me as a whole. Sleep tight! xx p.s. Do what feels right for you! And go with your gut <3

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In the beginning of 2021, I told myself that I am just going to be a fuck girl all year. Reasons why: #1 I need to focus on my money and career

#2 Avoidance of all emotional distress

#3 Cause it's easier to be a stone, cold-hearted bitch! But honestly... as much as I wanted a hot girl 4 seasons I can't help but to get caught up in these "situationships" and I just went through one. A Crybaby Summer. Earth signs always want to claim the logistics and technicalities of any situation vs. stepping into the other persons shoes and seeing the other person's perspective. It's their narcissism for me. "So you set the settings for this game and you decided it's well done and over - cause you can't explain or have the balls to communicate so that's that?!" I've let go of a good amount of Earth in my life recently due to their narcissism. In romantic relations and friendships. I texted a friend of mine who is ironically an Earth sign, as well lol, and I was sending him voice texts about how much of a douche bag this guy was. He then explained to me clearly that I need to have more intentions. This seems to be a cycle of mine where I go into any situation with no expectations and it gets physical and my water vibes start developing feelings.

(funny fact I wrote this in the Summer of 2021 but we are going to start back up to where we left off! weeeeeeeee!~)

It is now 2022... so I guess I should start off with the list of intentions for my future partner. A friend of mine who is really into holistic healing and therapy stated she wrote a list that was super long matter of fact. That even them needing to be a good driver was one of the list of qualifications needed. So here we go! 1. Must be kind and understanding

2. Must have good hygeine (must brush teeth and shower daily)

3. Supportive of my art and career (cannot see me as competition or comparison)

4 Ambitious with goals

5. Must not be broke (I can't carry the weight for 2 people) 6. COMMUNICATIVE!!! (no more ghosters and leechers) 7. Must like anime (I really tried dating other folx who don't and some things just don't click I must say, so this is mandatory!) 8. Clean and organized (cause I'm not although I try) 9. Good with money (maybe an accountant who can help me as well) 10. Romantic (chivalry always seems to be dead especially these days. I don't even remember the last time I was taken out to the movies even for a date. : / ) 11. Have a good relationship with family, if not does therapy (I cannot be a therapist so that's that) 12. Politically liberal, ACAB, BLM without the savior complex 13. Humble

14. Decide in a timely manner

15. Have the will to grow and grow with me 16. Does not get toxic jealous

17. Will not be possessive or abusive

18. Can cook some things or have good taste in food

19. Willing to hang with my friends

20. Celebrates and gifts during certain holidays (if not I immediately see them as a sadist)

The list probably can go on. But just an example for some of you who need a reference into what I mean. Physicality and other aspects can also be added to the list of attributes you require and desire in a person. But also be reasonable LOL a Chevy can never be paired with a Lamborghini - that's only in Kdramas.

Take accountability for the situationships / relationships you put yourself into. Especially if they are constantly the same result that you don't want. You can't always blame the universe or your chilhood trauma. It's time for you to make the right moves and strides for a healthier situation for yourself.

I wouldn't say I'm perfect! Definitely far from it but in reflection of all the situationships I was in... I have came to terms and I definitely see a pattern. I'd somehow always pick someone who didn't have much going for them with intense trauma, narcissistic but called themselves an empath or logical, had no problem taking but became an issue when it affected their ego, did not see the necessity of courting me, led me on believing I would do everything to entice them but never was courteous of my own feelings. A friend of mine was doing my hair and she said, "I already hate men but whenever you tell me your stories I hate them even more!" I literally screamed and yelled. There's always a certain type. We all may have this idealistic standard of what we want in a partner, but how many of us are actually able to put the words of what we want on paper into actual reality. I find that a lot of us for sure are tainted especially dating during this pandemic. I know a handful of my friends who opened up their relationships to just explore. Which I think definitely works for some people but not everyone. I guess you just won't know until you try and you can either make it or break it. The want for companionship is still there for me.. but what I hate the most of starting any relation or feeling of liking someone is when the reciprocation is lacking. Then I go into a cycle of just being annoyed and upset for wasting time on someone who did not give two fucks about me. But I guess, nothing is ever a waste of time but another building block of steps to learn from. I know my red flags and I need to stop chasing them. The want and need of a challenge of someone who will never appreciate me will not be my status quo of love languages. And this is just words of advise from me to me, but also something you can use too. Another side of things that our capitalist society has dedicated towards us, single folk, is to love yourself. You should love yourself and put your priorities on demand whether you be single or even in a relationship. The one thing that I used to do in the past was constantly gas lighting myself and dumbing myself down to make the partner seem superior and in control. Most of the times it was never the right answer. A person who loves you will take your criticisms and concerns and actually work on the situation or communicate with you. But if they don't and constantly gaslight you, it does not mean you're the problem but they are. They need to work on themselves a little bit more too. I do believe in the power of isolation. I used to be someone who never felt comfortable being alone, and felt the need of needing to have someone around me constantly. I don't know what that phase was really. I think it was the constant need of some sort of attention (lack there of), feeling of somewhat importance, and immediate familiarity of numbing out the noise of not loving myself. The swarm of nonsense and noise was what kept me calm at night, "I love you's" to random strangers I met who exchanged compliments to me, and the slight bit of high you get for feeling needed based on the boasting for someone's entertainment. But I always came back home empty, filled with imposter's syndrome and drained.

Love being alone now - but I do overextend myself too much at times to the point that I feel the slight bit of energy I have leaving my body. I used to entertain these shadows of familiars but I no longer do that. My focus is back on me cause I need to figure my shit out. No one really has their shit together. That's a fact!

With all this ramble and chaos that I'm spewing out, I'm just saying that I still need to work on caring for me. You needing and liking to spend time alone is not being foolish or egocentric. Not everyone is outgoing. I am an ambivert (introverted extrovert) because that is the way I am. I can be friendly and have a good time but my ultimate happiness is being ALONE. I think we need to make that an okay thing. We don't owe anyone anything asides from nurturing ourselves. And that's exactly what I'm going to do for the rest of this year of 2022. NO CAP!!!

My one friend who I ironically met on Tinder like 4 years ago, we still are cordial and do business together here and there, but there was one thing this earth sign said. "You are a light. I may not know you that well but from what I know of you.. you very much are. When there's a bright light outside moths will gravitate towards that light because they naturally gravitate towards it. They love the warmth and how shiny it is. The moths eventually dims the shine or brightness of the lamp, but it's covered with a glass. The moths will never get into the glass and that's how you should be." This had me shook especially cause this was told me after just a couple times of interactions in the beginning of our business relationship. I may share a lot but this writing venture I'm doing is also another way for me to process.

The take away from all of this is that you are a bright light that everyone wants to get into, but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to. Protect yourself so your light doesn't go out. xxo

From me, To me, but also To You.

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