the state of abstaining from marriage and sexual relations.
As we enter April's new energy for 2022, I have decided to commit myself in a 3 month term of celibacy. For some celibacy is easy, for others not so much and for most - this is a topic that is not brought up enough. I was very much in the mindset of never ever finding myself wanting the need or practice for celibacy, but as of late I have been feeling exhausted or drained just giving energy to folks who just did not reciprocate. Whether it is about romance, friendship or intimacy levels that were never met.
Today also marks my 3rd week back into therapy and it has been okay so far. I feel like I haven't really built that relationship yet with my therapist per say but some valid things I talked out today with them were about my "intentions." Breaking toxic patterns and resulting into finding sexual companionship - even when the person is not right for you just to forget about the prior disappointment. Letting in all these energies that are not right for you and essentially putting down your spirit in the long run. Also all in all, I just need to focus and that's what I decided to do, just refocus my energy in what I think can be more productive.
No one truly wants to be alone. #facts
Speaking as an ambivert, where I realized that I am more introverted, I can for sure say that I do enjoy my loneliness, finding solace in my solitude and even find comfort in my confinement. But I would be lying to myself to say that I truly love being alone, and also as something I would want out of life. Especially when I'm old and grey. I would like a partner... Actually I deserve a partner - who is not only physically there but mentally, spiritually and everything! We all deserve that. The word that I kept bringing up during therapy session was "could" & "should" my therapist kept on clocking me for those. Both terms derive from a negative context. Because yeah - I could've or should've always done something to prevent or could've done something to feel better, etc. I never really thought much into it but what they were stating made sense. When using these terms in my daily vocabulary, I'm already setting myself up for failure in a sense. So the mentality should be "am" and "will" vs. "could" & "should", for example: I am going to the gym. / I could've gone to the gym or I should do ________________./ I will do ________________.
I've been very much stuck in the latter part lately, but I will be practicing this week to be better about my intentions and actions.
We ended the session off with 3 affirmations that I will be repeating to myself on a daily and these are the 3:
I am a go getter
I am a survivor
I am proud of myself
The one thing that I always tend to catch myself in doing is never celebrating my wins. I think it's from growing up in such an intense, abusive and conservative household that even my passion and joys were never really appreciated or adorned as accomplishments. Coming from a loving and supportive family is of great privilege and also something that a lot of folks don't generally have. Not to say my struggles are more than yours but in a sense... it is. The term "struggling olympics," I've come to find out is derived from White Supremacy where the YT folx always have a say of how they struggled and that there should be no comparison. Sure your struggles are valid and so are mine but let's face it. LOL You will never understand real struggle.
I will be kinder to myself this week even though I had to face an annoying hiccup in regards to some business. I am a go getter after all. NO matter what happens I will always find a way to make things happen! That is my power. I am a survivor who has endured a lot of pain and grown from those experiences, and even forgiven some of the people that did harm along the way. Some don't ever deserve my kindness, forgiveness or apology. And I am at peace with that. Cause there's a difference in entitlement vs. acknowledgement.
Say the least, it has been nice not being on social media thus far as well. I have accomplished a good amount of deals and prototypes since I have. I don't know what is to come of it all but it's the drive that counts for me. <3
p.s. I am deserving and everything I will touch will become gold.